Not Beyond the Shame

How shame keeps you sharp in coaching.

What you feel ashamed of changes over the years. As a child, you might feel ashamed because you can’t do something that other kids have already mastered. As a rapidly growing teenager, you might be ashamed of your clumsy body. As a newcomer at work, you might feel embarrassed about that politically unwise comment during the meeting with the CEO. In every phase of your life, you encounter something that makes you — whether you want it or not — suddenly turn bright red, break out in sweat, and wish you could disappear into thin air. Even as a coach, you sometimes wish there was an undo button on the keyboard of life. But still, you can — perhaps precisely because of such shameful moments — grow to a higher level.

Just as you go through phases in life, so you do as a coach. Ten years ago, I coached my teams differently than I do now. Not only has my knowledge expanded and my experience grown, but as a result, my expectations have also been adjusted. I now expect a higher level of coaching from myself than in an earlier phase. This means that I used to be ashamed of different things than I am now.

At the beginning of my coaching career, I often felt ashamed because I didn’t have a quick answer to a practical issue that suddenly arose. I would get nervous when I felt the team discussion heading in…