Not Beyond the Shame

How shame keeps you sharp in coaching.

What you feel ashamed of changes over the years. As a child, you might feel ashamed because you can’t do something that other kids have already mastered. As a rapidly growing teenager, you might be ashamed of your clumsy body. As a newcomer at work, you might feel embarrassed about that politically unwise comment during the meeting with the CEO. In every phase of your life, you encounter something that makes you — whether you want it or not — suddenly turn bright red, break out in sweat, and wish you could disappear into thin air. Even as a coach, you sometimes wish there was an undo button on the keyboard of life. But still, you can — perhaps precisely because of such shameful moments — grow to a higher level.

Just as you go through phases in life, so you do as a coach. Ten years ago, I coached my teams differently than I do now. Not only has my knowledge expanded and my experience grown, but as a result, my expectations have also been adjusted. I now expect a higher level of coaching from myself than in an earlier phase. This means that I used to be ashamed of different things than I am now.

At the beginning of my coaching career, I often felt ashamed because I didn’t have a quick answer to a practical issue that suddenly arose. I would get nervous when I felt the team discussion heading in a certain direction. Countless questions raced through my mind, and I tried to formulate countless answers in a hurry — before any of those questions actually came up in the discussion. And of course, a question would come up that I hadn’t thought of. Yes, coach, what are we going to do about that? Huh? Well? The piercing looks, the expectant postures, the icy silence that lasts much longer in your head than in reality. Your mouth goes dry. You start to feel hot, too hot — sweat breaks out, and you just want to run out of the room. You feel ashamed in front of the team members. They rely on you — on your knowledge and experience — but you can’t deliver at that moment. You feel visibly shattered with shame.

Your mouth goes dry. You start to feel hot, too hot — sweat breaks out, and you just want to run out of the room.